My girlfriend is always the first to hear about my ideas and reflections. She is also often the first to give me a perspective check and find the holes in my "amazing" new theories and findings. I don't always enjoy this initial frankness of her but I suppose this is an example of how only through conflict anything can be gained - or destroyed...
When I was talking with her (or to her, as I often do when something comes up that has been simmering for a while) about ageing research and this whole anti-ageing, longevity thing that is so popular right now, she remarked: "Don't you feel it's tiring to not try to age? Isn't there beauty in ageing?"
And it struck me a little later, that these words 'anti-ageing' and 'longevity' are completely wrong and should be avoided, I was overtaken by a popular wording without taking it apart.
I looked at this "anti-ageing" again and realised it is idiotic to struggle against something that is a natural process of life. I though to myself: "Am I trying not to age or am I trying not to die while I'm alive?"
Ageing has a sort of external connotation to it while death-in-life digs deeper in the soul: I don't want to look older compared to I don't want to be asleep while I'm here.
Maybe they are both the same but the story I tell myself and the intention gives me a different sensation.
I will start to see certain patterns of what I do not want, that will limit me and contract my perspective in life by being observant outside and in myself: I investigate "what does it mean to "die in life"?. If I turn my findings around I expand again my world with qualities I want to preserve as I grow older and re-focus on those:
I want to see my friends as they are, not as I saw them the first time; I want to walk in nature and be able to notice peculiarities about the trees without thinking 'it's the same tree, I know trees'; visit places and sense the difference in dynamics between them; learn a language without old beliefs of grades I got in school; see opportunities without past failures;...
I want to keep this not-knowing I had as a little kid that is open, investigative towards the world - it has not coloured the canvas yet, I do not want the framed and coloured canvas because 'I already knew it' and already experienced it.
I can choose to put my intention on the negative aspects of growing older that I want to get rid off or put my intention on the positive I want to keep.
I want to age and die eventually ("Memento Mori") but I don't want to die in life.
I want to remember how I can not die right now, how I can be alive-in-life.